Story | Curtis Weiner – Envoy

Curtis Weiner

Warning: Vulgar Language used in this story

I like to think of myself as your average Joe. We both want the same things right? Food. Money. Sex. Money. Fame. Money. Travel to new places. Oh, yeah, and then there is sex, money, and food; all while being famous.

These last few months I’ve seen a huge fucking surge in my entrepreneurship abilities, which has me thinking, “Maybe I need to start expanding my business routes.” That’s why I’ve decided to join the Starfinders. I’ve heard these goodie-two-shoes go on adventures to different planets which gave me the follow-up idea, “That sounds like the god damn perfect front for my business to expand.”

So I tossed on my black leather boots and worn-out-jeans. My favorite graphic tee of a Wizard Cat, Magi Meow Meow, calling forth his servant mouse. And quickly touched up my handlebar mustache and finger-straightened my luxurious Tenseness Top-Hat before heading out to meet the others for the shuttle to Absalom Station.

But enough about me, now let me tell you a little about myself before I turned into this magnificent bastard you see before you.

Life on Akiton can be a real shit-show for a human trying to make a survivable existence. This undying fact remained true for my mother and I. I never knew my rust-barge of a father and my mother told me very little about him other than it was the worst two-minutes of her life. On a positive note, from that moment forward she never consumed hard liquor again. Beers are still kept stocked in the fridge.

As I said, a real shit-show.

I had all the basics growing up: clothes, MRE’s (Meals Ready to Eat), a roof to sleep under. You know, if the basics don’t include a father or strong male role-model, then I was living like a god damn emperor. Upon reaching the mature age of twelve, I began doing “jobs” around town to help bring in food. If you weren’t working at the docks then your options were scavenging, smuggling, or dealing.

Scavenging wasn’t bad for a while, but it wasn’t consistent pay, and I wanted to leave this red fucking rock. Then I dabbled at smuggling and ended up working for a shit-stain moving data back and forth. Whenever I could, I would peak at the files. There were tons of documents detailing people, different species, and locations on other planets. Smuggling helped me learn about the world. Unfortunately, there is a downside to smuggling and one day I got pick up by Akiton security and had to spend a few years doing free labor for the state. I kept my mouth shut, that’s what you do when you work with a team. In return, the shit-stain I worked for did me a solid and kept my mom in food.

It wasn’t until my early twenties that I found my divine calling: drugs. I never used the shit mind you, there isn’t a profit in that. But  god damn was I good at making them. I started making this real simple product of methamphetamine. That shit is super easy to make and once those druggies get a taste, I could charge them almost anything for more.

From there I learned I had another talent, telling others what to do. Sure, it looks easy: telling some prick loser to do work for you. But it takes years to master the subtle art of yelling at fuckers just the right way. They need to know that you’re the boss, and they are the tiny piece-of-shit worker ant following orders.

You wouldn’t think it by looking at this barren rock of a planet, but there is some competition out there in the drug world. And they get real shitty when you start to take their clients. My most heated rival is this loser-ass-ugly-ass-bug-face-piece-of-shit Shirren named Greestle (Grease-tol) who just happens to think his product is better than mine. His product is poison!

So that about sums up me. You get a lot of free time to think and plan when you’re in a shuttle traveling to another planet. The future is looking bright for Weiner Enterprise Incorporate. I see a universe with drift lanes full of my product.


Name: Curtis Weiner     Age: 33
Race: Human                  Homeworld: Akiton
Class: Envoy                    Theme: Icon


Image is credited to @pocketsizesupervillain